Defining submission and headship within marriage

We had an interesting discussion at Northern Training today on defining submission within marriage. I confessed that I found it hard to find a definition of the submission required of wives that did not look very similar to the love required of husbands. Yet clearly there must be a difference since they are to be mo delled on the relationship of Christ and the church. At our last Northern Training Institute seminar day we came up with what I think is a helpful formula, but somewhat frustratingly I couldn’t recall this morning during the lecture. Here it is …

• The wife puts her husband’s will before her own.
• The husband puts his wife’s interests before his own.

This captures, I think, the similarities in their respective attitudes (since mutual love and mutual submission are commended within the wider body of Christ of which they are members – see 5:2, 21). But it also captures the difference in their roles. It gives the husband a lead role, but a lead role defined by the cross – one which seeks the good of the other rather than self-interest. It also captures how their respective roles correspond to the roles of the church towards Christ and Christ towards the church.

One more point. The ‘formula’ does not say, ‘The wife puts her husband’s will first. The husband puts his wife’s interests first.’ Both of them have a higher allegiance and a higher purpose: to submit to Christ and seek his glory. This means, for example, there will be times when the wife challenges her husband. So a further refinement would be: ‘The wife puts her husband’s will before her own (but not before Christ’s will). The husband puts his wife’s interests before his own (but not before Christ’s interests).’