Marriage and the gospel
This is the text of the sermon I preached at Matt and Rachel’s wedding in August. I’ve had a number of requests for it so I thought I would put it on the blog.
Ephesians 5:15-33
I wonder what words come into your mind when I talk about ‘authority’? Tyranny … corruption … manipulation … incompetence? What about ‘submission to authority’? We resist authority; we begrudge authority, we moan about authority. In our culture we don’t have a positive view of authority. And so this passage grates with us. ‘A husband is the head of his wife,’ the Bible says (Ephesians 5:22). It’s a clear statement of authority. Maybe you’re thinking: ‘There you go! Christianity’s got it in for women. It’s out of touch. It’s worse than out of touch: it’s oppressive.’ And then it says: ‘wives should submit to their husbands in everything’ (Ephesians 5:24). Immediately we think of patriarchal societies in which men have all the power. We think of inferiority and inequality. And it makes us uncomfortable.
And with good reason!
Right back at the beginning of human history, Satan or the devil portrayed God’s rule as tyrannical. He said, in effect, ‘God is just trying to stop you being free because he’s a tyrant.’
And the first man and woman believed Satan. And you and I believe Satan. We think God’s rule is bad news. And so we reject God. We don’t want God in charge. ‘I’m going to be charge of my life,’ we say.
But not only do we now get God wrong, but we also get authority wrong.
We push God out of the picture. We take over. But we rule – not like God – but like Satan’s lie about God. We rule like tyrants. Our rule is not like God’s loving rule that leads to freedom. Our rule is like the lie. We rule in a way that is self-serving and tyrannical. If some of you men are thinking, ‘I like the sound of this wife-submitting stuff’ – that just proves my point. You like the sound of it because you’re selfish. No wonder women resist that.
The Bible says that when humanity rejected God’s authority, it radically altered the way marriages work. God said to the first wife: ‘You will desire to control your husband, and he will rule over you [or ‘dominate you’].’ (Genesis 3:16) The wife resists authority. The husband abuses authority.
Now, the story of the Bible is the story of God saying: ‘My rule isn’t like that.’ In fact, to make sure we get the point, God sends his own Son, Jesus, to this world. And Jesus says: ‘[I] did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give [my] life as a ransom for many.’ (Mark 10:45) To make sure we get the point, Jesus our King dies in our place on the cross. If you want to really know what God’s rule is like, look at the cross – and see your King. See your King dying in your place. That’s how he rules. See his love. See his sacrifice. See his wounds. See him collapse exhausted on the cross. See him bringing freedom to his people.
What Ephesians 5 says, and this is the challenge I want to give to husbands and wives, your marriage must illustrate God’s version of authority and freedom. Your marriage must demonstrate the true nature of Christ’s relationship with his church.
Listen again to verses 31-32:
As the Scriptures say: ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
Marriage was always designed to illustrate God’s relationship with his people.
So let me put it like this. There will be times when you say to your friends: ‘God is King, Jesus is Lord. Turn from running your own life and trust in Jesus.’ That’s how Jesus defined his message of good news (Mark 1:14-15). And people will think, ‘Why is that good news? Why should I want to stop running my life and let God take charge?’ And they should look at your marriage and say, ‘Ah, that’s why!’ Husbands must exercise their authority through love and care for their wives so that people think, ‘Yes, it is good to live under authority like that; maybe it’s good to live under God’s authority.’ And wives must submit to their husbands with joy and willingness so that people think, ‘Yes, it is good to live under authority like that; maybe it’s good to live under God’s authority.’
And so God says …
1. Wives, submit to your husbands … as the church submits to Christ
Listen again to verses 22-24:
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Saviour of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
The first thing I want to highlight is this: The wife must submit to husband and not to others. When you get married, there’s a change of allegiance.
In the day when this was written, the wife had to stop submitting to her parents. A woman lived under the authority of her father. But now that you are married, that relationship changes. You no longer to submit to your parents – at least, not in the same way. Your primary allegiance is now with your husband.
In our day more often women have left home long before they get married. They live first as single women. They live, as it were, under their own authority, making decisions for themselves. But that has changed now. God is saying, in effect, ‘Wives, submit to your husbands instead of just submitting to yourselves.’ You have to think about your husband now. You are not free to do as you wish.
A new identity; a new allegiance.
This doesn’t mean blind obedience. There is one important difference between submitting to a husband and submitting to Christ: your husband is not God. He will make mistakes. He will make bad judgments. And sometimes you will need to challenge him because your top allegiance is to Christ. You are to speak the truth in love to him (Ephesians 4:15).[1]
What it does mean is: respecting his God-given authority over you. That’s how the passage sums it up: ‘the wife must respect her husband’ (v. 33). You are to submit to your husband in a way that will illustrate what it means to submit to Christ.
It means submitting without whining. Should the church whine to Christ? God has already talked in this book of the Bible about what it means for Christ to be the head of the church. ‘God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with his presence.’ (Ephesians 1:22-23) What does it mean for Christ to be head of the church? It means he uses his authority for the benefit of the church. He makes us full and complete. Or again God says that the Christian community should not be immature and gullible. Instead the Christian community ‘… will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.’ (Ephesians 4:15-16) What does it mean for Christ to be head of the church? It means he fits us together so that we are healthy and growing and full of love. Should the church whine to Christ? Christ uses his headship for our benefit, making us full, making us complete, making us whole. So no whining.
It means submitting without manipulating. I have met women who loudly affirmed headship and submission, but who in practice manipulated their husbands through their charms or their tears or their pleading. Does that illustrate the church’s relationship to Christ? Of course not. Christ is not a hen-pecked husband who does our bidding. We must submit to him as God’s Son and God’s King.
It means submitting joyfully. Paul’s joy in God is like the air that inflates this letter. And it keeps bursting out. He begins: ‘Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.’ (Ephesians 1:3). His refrain is ‘to the praise of glorious grace’ (Ephesians 1:6, 12, 14). When he thinks of what Christ has done for his readers he says, ‘I have not stopped giving thanks for you’ (Ephesians 1:16). He keeps talking about God’s incomparable riches. He talks about ‘the riches of [God’s] glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe’ (Ephesians 1:18-19). He talks about ‘the incomparable riches of [God’s] grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus’ (Ephesians 2:7). He talks about proclaiming ‘the unreachable riches in Christ’ (Ephesians 3:8). He talks about being strengthen by God’s ‘glorious riches’ (Ephesians 3:16). He prays that they might grasp ‘how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ , and to know this love that surpasses knowledge’ (Ephesians 3:18-19). And so it goes on.
Just a few verse before he talks to wives, Paul says: ‘Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.’ (Ephesians 5:19-20) You should submit to Christ – and to your husband – with a song in your heart, always be giving thanks to God for everything.
Above all, it means submitting freely and willingly. People have often observed that Paul’s instruction here has similarities with Greek ethical teaching. But there is one important difference. Greek ethical instruction never addressed women. The husband was told to make his wife submit. But that is not what Paul says. He assumes that women are free and equal in God’s kingdom. And then asks them to submit freely to the authority of their husbands.
Wives must model the freedom of submission. We do not loose our freedom when we submit to the authority of God. We find our freedom! We are set free from slavery to other people, their opinions, our sinful desires, the rule of Satan (Ephesians 2:1-3). And instead we become free to be the people we should be. We are free to know God and enjoy him. So model the freedom of submission.
2. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loves the church
What does it mean for husbands? Listen again to verse 25: ‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her …’
What is Christ’s rule over the church like? What is his authority like? The answer is: love. ‘Christ loved the church.’ What does it look like? It looks like the cross. His rule is sacrificial, serving and selfless.
Look again at verses 25-27:
For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a radiant church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.
Every bride looks beautiful as she walks down the aisle. She looks radiant. But what about first thing in the morning? Probably still radiant!
When Christ looks at me, he looks passed my exterior and sees my heart. And what he sees is ugly – very, very ugly. He sees dirt and stains and blemishes.
People often put pictures of their wedding day up around their homes with everyone looking lovely. Imagine a picture of your heart up on the wall for everyone to see. Imagine a picture of all the things you have ever done and ever said and ever thought up on display. Everything. The secret things. The guilty things. The shameful things. Are you brave enough to look beyond exterior and look at your ugly heart?
Christ sees us and he loves us and he makes us his. That’s why he died. It wasn’t just a mad, romantic gesture. He took our stain, our ugliness, our corruption on himself. He died the death we deserve in our place. And then three days later he rose again to gives us life. He died for us and he lives for us. Our ugliness was transferred on to him as he died. And his goodness is transferred on to us when we believe in him. That’s how we can end up being holy and blameless.
And this is how, husbands, you are to treat your wife. You are to love her in a sacrificial, selfless way. You are to give yourself up for her. You are to give yourself for her and then give yourself for her again and then give yourself for her again.
I want you to notice this: Christ loves us unconditionally, but he loves us with an agenda. He loves us because … he loves us. Not because we are beautiful, but simply because he loves us. Earlier on Paul put it like this: ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no-one can boast.’ (Ephesians 2:8-9) In other words, Christ did not make us his bride because of the good works we have done. He made his bride because of his grace and love. He loves unconditionally. But he also loves us with an agenda. And that agenda is to make holy and blameless. He has an agenda of change.
Husbands, that is how you are to love your wives: unconditionally, but with an agenda. You don’t just love her when she’s looking great or treating you well. You are to love her all the time. But you should have an agenda and that agenda is the same as Christ’s agenda: to make her holy and blameless, to help her grow as Christian, to help her become more like Jesus.
Christ gave up everything for us (Philippians 2:6-11). He put our relationship with God before his own (Mark 15:34,38). He put our needs before his own. That’s the standard for husbands. You must give up everything for your wife; put her relationship with God before your own; put her needs before your needs.
And I am sure that on your wedding day you will intend or you intended to do that. On that day of all days you are full of love for your beautiful bride and full of good intentions to serve her selflessly.
The problem is she won’t always look as she does on that day. Some days she’ll be grumpy. She’ll be annoying. She’ll be withdrawn. But Christ didn’t love us because we were radiant; he loved us to make us radiant.
The problem is there will be days when you are tired, when you’re low, when you’re struggling. And still you must go on giving yourself for her. There’ll be times when you think, ‘I’m sure I’m right; I’m sure my way is best.’ But you’ll do what she wants because you love her. Or you’ll wait until you’re both agreed. Always, always ask: ‘What does love require?’ And then think of the cross.
There are no exceptions. You can’t live your life by exceptions. You can’t say, ‘I do love my wife sacrificially, but today … today I’m tired, I’m not feeling well, I’ve got a lot on.’
I think that’s why the passage goes on in the way it does: ‘In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.’ It’s so concrete. You’re tired. Your want to put your feet up. You want to chill out in front of the TV. That’s how you love your body. And that’s how you’ve got to love your wife. So you say: ‘No, darling, you sit down and I’ll do the cleaning.’ That’s the test: care for her like you care for yourself. You know how to love yourself – love your wife like that.
If you do this, if you love your wife selflessly, sacrificially, then you will show people the good news of Jesus. They will see that it is good to live under God’s authority.
Conclusion
So when I look at Christians wives I should see it what it really means to submit to Christ’s authority – not begrudgingly, not whining, but joyfully and freely. And when I look at Christian husbands I should see it what it really means to exercise authority – not self-serving, but loving and sacrificial.
Now that is a hard ask – for both of you!
So let me end with a word of encouragement. These words to wives and husbands are linked grammatically to the exhortation to ‘be filled with the Spirit’ (v. 18). The point I want to make is this. God has set you a high standard. You are to illustrate his relationship to the church. You are to make his good news known through your marriage. It’s a particularly high standard for husbands because your standard is the cross of Jesus!
But God has also given you his Spirit. God has given you himself. God himself is living in you, giving you a new desire and a new power to live aright.
And when you do mess up, as you will, you can say:
Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
a great high priest, whose name is Love,
who ever lives and pleads for me.
[1] Some people stress the reciprocity of the relationship to the extent that the submission of wives is predicated on husbands exercising authority with the sacrificial love that Christ models. Others stress the words ‘in everything’ in verse 24, saying that wives should submit whether or not the husband is loving. Some people get close to saying a wife should submit to an abusive husband. But we must not push either of these to an extreme. We must submit even when our spouse is not perfect – otherwise there would be no submission and no love! The alternative is a cycle of recrimination. But neither are submission and love weak and passive. They should be robust and reinforced with gospel conviction. We should challenge one another, speaking the truth in love. But we do not do this for own sake. We do this for the sake of Christ and his glory, and for the sake of our spouse and their holiness.
